Month: November 2015

Holiday gatherings can be wonderful reunions or painful rituals. Have you ever had a relative or friend who challenges your ability to be tolerant? It’s the person who likes to talk condescendingly about your political opinions, religious views, or even your sports teams. When these people are present, holiday gatherings become difficult.

The problem is that we anticipate the negative comments and we consciously or unconsciously prepare our negative responses. We become an equal part of the negativity pattern. Our gatherings never have a chance for success unless someone breaks the pattern.

The solution is really a matter of changing our perspective and choosing different actions. People generally want to have positive relationships. To break the negativity pattern, give your friend or family member the gift of being fully present, completely interested, and absolutely respectful of what they have to say and who they are. What I mean is, when the negative conversation begins ask with true curiosity and no judgment what they believe about the topic and why. Don’t insert your opinions. Rather, really explore the views of the other. You will find that you have given a gift and received a gift. You will grow closer to your friend or relative and you will have a much greater appreciation for him or her even though you may disagree about a lot of things.

Why not make a regular habit of setting aside distractions and giving the gift of you? Be fully present for someone, maybe even someone you find disagreeable. You might be surprised by the results. Your presence may be the best present.

Humans are hardwired to notice differences, but we are also hardwired to connect with each other. The labels you may have for me are your labels and you get to judge them the way you see fit. I do the same. Please remember that the labels you have for me and the corresponding judgments are yours, however, not mine. After you have judged me based on a label you assigned, to be really human, you should also reach out and connect with me. Find out what labels I might choose for myself and how I judge them.

If you do that, I will also be interested in how you label yourself. Because I am human I have chosen labels I think might apply to you. And although I’m probably wrong, I also made some judgments. What is important to me, though, is knowing your label for you and how you judge you. It’s important to me because that is the world I want to live in. It is a world that sets aside the labels and judgments we have for each other to connect with others and care about them.

Prince Ea says this really well. Take a 4.5 minute look at this:

i am not black

Here is a plug for a new book just released in November, 2015. It is the work of colleagues I’ve joined with over the past couple of years in writing about ways to promote peaceful negotiation of conflict.  Contributing scholars work in the fields of Communication, Culture, Media, Peace, and Conflict. The flyer on the right offers more information and a discount through Palgrave, the publisher of the book.

Here is the abstract for the book from the flyer:

“In today’s global world, it is imperative for individuals and groups with diverse backgrounds, values and beliefs, situated in a variety of cultural, political, economic and institutional structures, to grapple with ideas of diversity, difference and multi-culturalism. The ways in which these fundamental issues are debated in today’s society helps pave the path towards a more inclusive, culturally conscious world that allows for dialogue and debate with regard to public policy, educational reform and sustainable peace. This volume provides theoretical and practical approaches that highlight the strength of dealing with conflict and peace issues from areas such as intercultural communication, conflict mediation/negotiation, war and peace journalism, peace education, human rights and peace-building. While communicating differences across cultures and contexts can be a daunting undertaking, Communicating Differences demonstrates how building bridges across silos of research and connecting theory with practice enhances the viability of peace processes and truly and positively affects the lives of students, researchers and practitioners.”