Ever just ache over the problems people have with each other and the effect on kids? Problems happen at home, at school, and they even come to define communities. So many people suffer from violence done around them that it gives me heartache, and I’m guessing you feel it too. It is why some people need soul surgery. It is also why young people need soul protection. I think about the young people watching mom and dad fight, those dealing with bullying at school, and the young ones in cities dealing with all kinds of upheaval, or watching it on television.
These hurts need careful attention, like the attention we get when we go see our medical doctor. Young people need soul protection because of their social circumstances. As we grow, we learn how to reach out courageously to show love to others, or we learn how to be invulnerable and not love at all. If we learn the power of vulnerability, the risks, and how to protect ourselves, we can experience real love. Unfortunately, a lot of people learn the kind of protection that prevents life-giving loving relationships.
Older people have the responsibility of teaching younger people how to appropriately protect themselves in social situations. Wouldn’t it be nice if all young people experienced the kind of soul protection that enables them to resist shame, to love, and find joy in important relationships?
Matt Lieberman talks about how people develop a sense of self in his book Social. He highlights research about how older people have a “direct appraisal of self” and a “reflected appraisal of self.” Here he basically says that there are different brain functions for how we assess our own sense of self versus how we think others see us. He did some research on this with colleagues and discovered an interesting difference between adults and adolescents.
MRI results showed that adult’s private appraisals of self were a different brain function from how they thought others would see the self. Adolescents, on the other hand, had very different results. When 13 year-olds were asked about their private appraisal of self, the only brain function that showed up on the MRI was the “reflected appraisal” process. This means that young people tend to rely on what others think of them to determine what they think of themselves.
If the common social circumstances for 13 year-olds are healthy and supportive, this research finding is interesting but not alarming. However, when I think about the frenetic pace of typical families, the challenges of navigating life as a single parent, the typical relationships of children in middle school, and stories of violence all around, I am alarmed.
If it is true that young people depend largely on “reflected appraisals” for their sense of self, these young members of society need positive soul protection while they develop a healthy “direct appraisal.” So what do parents do when work schedules limit the quality time they have with their kids? What does a divorced parent do when the other parent is not a healthy influence on the kids? What should teachers do about reports of kids bullying each other at school or on social media? What can we do about young people watching news about violence going on around them?
Here are some suggestions for promoting healthy soul protection for young people in these circumstances.
- Parents can think about how to build non-negotiable quality time into the schedule with their children. This might mean foregoing a promotion at work or getting top reviews on the job. It means that during the child rearing years, it is wise to find satisfaction in being part of your child’s world, whether they like it or not.
- Sometimes life circumstances give parents no choice but to deal with family dissolution. In this type of situation, parents usually agree that the best course of action is to put needs of the kids first. Make sure that is built into custody agreements. How that typically works out varies a lot. Having a good peacemaker or mediator is probably wise.
- Over the years, school administrations have become much more conscientious about conflict among students. They don’t always get the best counsel about what to do with it, however, and students in middle schools are more capable of inflicting social harm today than ever before. Developments in Peer Mediation and Restorative Justice have helped schools a lot.
- Kids need someone to help them process the news. Families or schools should be aware of the news and talk with kids about the lessons to learn from the problems they see. When grown ups show reasonable perspectives about living peacefully with others, children will begin to see the difference between those who try to do good and those who don’t. They can learn good citizenship.
In any life circumstances, kids who have soul protectors have a much better chance of soul survival than kids who do not. If you are doing this, thank you. If you are looking for help, here are a few suggestions. Families who are active in a church typically have programs and networks of people that focus on soul protection. Churches often have small group ministries where families can do co-parenting. Youth groups often have adult ministry leaders serving as mentors for kids. Having an active Parent/Teacher Organization at school can provide a lot of resources. School administrators and teachers who care about the hearts and souls of kids can provide quality soul protection. Organizations like Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts provide structured social opportunities for learning healthy social living. Wise adult leadership knows how to do soul protection.
I believe kids need soul protectors and I am a big advocate for soul protection. Our youngest citizens deserve an opportunity to grow up to be strong, positive, loving leaders in our society.
Pursuing Peace 