Day: April 27, 2015

Lots of people hurt. Some hurt is physical and requires surgery. Other hurts, however, are not physical. People hurt because of an angry conversation with a friend. They hurt because they feel ignored, or they’re dealing with the death of a loved one.

Matt Lieberman, in his book Social, gives good evidence to show that physical hurts and social-psychological hurts mean the same thing to our brains.

Being hurt is being hurt. The question is, “how severely are we hurting?”

Trained peacemakers are soul surgeons. My good friend, Kurt Boyland, is a counselor for people with social and psychological pain. He talks about how peacemakers have to do surgery. When people have conflicts that they cannot heal themselves, they need to bring the hurt to a peacemaking counselor or mediator. Sometimes the result is a surgery that heals the hurt and repairs a relationship. Other times, the relationship is discontinued – a social amputation.

Either way, surgery is a big deal.

Medical doctors take great precautions to make good decisions for our physical health. Soul surgery is a big deal too. The hurts that we deal with socially or psychologically are important. When couples break up, sometimes they get really bad advice like “Shake it off. There are more fish in the sea” or “He was a jerk. You don’t need him in your life.” While there may be some truth to the statements, a good soul surgeon does not say these things. A peacemaker wants to help heal a soul that hurts from social pain.

It also does not mean a peacemaker recommends restoring a relationship to a previous status. In fact, after most soul surgeries people relate to each other differently than before. New and better rules for relating and boundaries for social activity are often part of the social rehabilitation.

Here are some pointers for dealing with social pain:

1. Don’t ignore the pain. When you are in conflict, it is appropriate to consider the problem a big deal. Like a physical hurt, ignoring it may have long-term negative consequences. It is the same for social hurts. Don’t buy the idea that people can shake off or just get over any social pain.

2. Get help. Know when a conflict is beyond your ability to provide self-healing. Everyone learns how to do self-care from a young age. However, we don’t often know what to do when we are feeling angry a lot, or sad and lonely for a long time. Learn how. Ask someone who knows. You might need professional care.

3. Be open to soul surgery. Sometimes a conflict requires careful soul surgery. Get help from a well-trained peacemaking counselor or mediator. When surgery is needed, a surgeon does not try to operate on herself. Find someone who has the necessary skills and experience to make the right kind of healing happen for the social hurts.

Everyone experiences social pain at one level or another. Your conflict may be minor or major but be sure what the social hurt is before you decide to ignore it. And when your social pain is connected to someone else, include him or her in the healing process if he or she is willing.

There is a lot of social pain in the world and many people just live without peace. They need the advice of a good peacemaker, or maybe they need soul surgery. Is there a peacemaker in the house?

Lieberman, M. (2013). Social. New York, NY: Crown Publishing.