Most people think they know what forgiveness means because they can define it. They would be surprised at how people are significantly different in their understanding and practice of forgiving. Some people forgive offenses immediately because of their religious training. Others need a great deal of time to think it over. Research shows men and women differ in that women typically forgive more and faster than men to preserve and nurture relationships. Culturally speaking, collectivistic people tend to be quicker at decisional forgiveness but not emotional forgiveness. This means that some people decide to forgive because it is culturally appropriate but it doesn’t mean that they feel very forgiving.
I think forgiving is related to our relationships, our personalities and our spirits. Everyone is different. Some people think forgiving means the other is restored to full relationship. I don’t. Some would say that if you forgive you must also forget. I wouldn’t. Some think that forgiving is weak while others think it takes great strength. When forgiving, the key is for parties to know what they mean when they forgive and what the other person thinks it means too. And if the other doesn’t participate, you can still let go of the hurt by forgiving the other or yourself.
I think context is important. What you are forgiving impacts how you do it. Little things are easily decided. Devastating offenses mean I can decide to forgive but not necessarily feel forgiving to the other. I can choose to withhold forgiveness but that is often just poison for me. The other guy can choose to forgive himself or just not care about what happened. Forgiving is a gift we give self or others but seeing the logic of that makes little sense unless you have a spiritual life driving it. The context, I think, also includes relational history. Therefore, when a party does not trust, it can be frustrating to give or receive forgiveness. Need to focus on the letting go. Some people ruminate to process their hurts. They rehash the ways they are offended. There is debate about the value of rumination, though. There is problem solving value in it but with diminishing returns. Once we feel we understand and have done what we can/should, it is time to let go. A good relational perspective for thinking this through is Waldron/Kelley’s notion of negotiating morality from their book Communicating Forgiveness.
It really is a complex topic that is often considered a fairly simple process.
Pursuing Peace 